A Sex Worker Explains How to Talk with Escort Girls

I would be stupid if I did not understand that sex and money are very intimal topics, but you would be pretty stupid if you did not understand that I am not here for your amusement.

Recently I met new people. I had outed a friend as a sex worker and now met his buddies for the first time. When I told them what I used to earn my money, I worried a few times. Would Pretty Woman reflect real life, would one of his friends try to rape me and be angry about some nebulous agreement that has something to do with an old man? I did not really know what to expect.

All the worries were unfounded. If there was any discomfort, I probably had it myself, as so often. However, I noticed several times that night that one of these friends and non-rapists very attentively listened to my answers to very basic questions. Maybe he was just waiting for me to burst into tears at any moment, or for a massive father complex to emerge. Then I remembered that I was probably the first sex worker with whom he had just talked.

This happens quite often. I openly deal with my job and have many normal people in my circle of friends. Sure, I could be a lot more discreet with it, but I’ve been to brunch with other people too often and given some vague stammering about an alleged job as an assistant cook. All I knew about it was felt curious follow-up questions. I hate getting involved in a complex falsehood, but fortunately I live in London, a city so big it’s easy to get out of the way if you disagree. So I just fuck it.

Unexpectedly, it is not an issue at all. I do not know if that’s because I’m always hanging out with super-rational people, or if the world just changed. In any case, I get more and more a mere, “Ah, OK.” With many computer programmers, I feel they have a certain amount of money for every conceivable activity in their head, which they then demand, and in their eyes I am Probably just someone who makes the most of his time, but for everyone else I’d like to give some advice in case they’re introduced to a sex worker in a trendy bar, club, or maybe even Richard Gere.

You are Allowed to Ask Questions

I would be pretty stupid if I did not understand that sex and money are very sexy topics. You would be pretty stupid if you did not understand that I’m not just here for your entertainment. If you are curious, go ahead! But try to stay away from rough edges and do not go too deep into too deep.

Relax Yourself

Definitely, there are women in the world who are being abducted by criminal gangs and forced into sex work, or who are doing this job for other dreadful, non-voluntary, and unbelievably traumatic causes. If someone with such a story crosses your path, then do your best to help that person.

But if you do a self-determined sex worker (stripper, prostitute, camgirl) meet-which can in large cities often times occur and you see no one who threatens her with a gun, then this person does a favor to assume, that she has control over her own life. Do this person the benefit of assuming that they made their decisions out of perhaps a headstrong but still valid cost-benefit consideration. Do you a favor, do not assume that they hate their job, love or that you the history of this person somehow familiar occurs-be it that you ever read about something somewhere, you see on TV or know someone…do not try to interpret that person’s feeling budget in any way. If your counterpart is relaxed enough to openly carry around the stigma of their profession and tell the truth, then one is probably as much searching, confused and flawed as all your other friends. And just like you, this man does not just want to talk about his work.

I also Did Other Things in My Life Before

Probably the most annoying thing about working as a sex worker is that it affects so many of my interactions with other people and has much greater impact on my perceived identity than anything I’ve done before. I work in escort because of the money, just as I did other work for the money. However, when I was a waitress, people did not associate thousands of things with me just because I brought food to tables and cleared plates. I was not riddled with questions about the true meaning of food, it was not asked if my job as a waitress affected my emotional balance, and nobody insisted on knowing what I would do if I was no longer a waitress. I did not feel constantly Having to show me from my best side to give the job of the waitress the best possible reputation. It’s fucking exhausting.

Of course, I understand that almost everyone knows someone who is a waitress. But just as little as I was just a waitress when I was employed as such, you should understand that I’m not in the first place escort.

Everyone Complains About His Job

Sometimes I have hard days too and that can have many reasons. Sometimes people are too late. Sometimes I have two clients in a row, which turn out to be tears in the shape of successful businessmen. Sometimes I have to deal with one who has only two beers where his empathy for other human beings should be, and I hate him and have to deal with it first. Sometimes Gmail licks around and I lose money and, damn it, it makes me mad! If I complain about such things, that’s perfectly OK. I’m fine. You are OK. Everyone complains about his job. This does not mean that you need to be seriously worried or start a profound conversation to be a good friend. It would be much nicer.

I’ll Not Angry if You Say Anything About Prostitution

Of course, that’s always a matter of style. If you tell me some dull dead-hooker-in-the-car-joke-joke and then laugh off your ass, then you’re clearly a terrible person. I would also agree if I did not work as a sex worker. If you happen to stumble over some cultural stereotype instead, do not panic, I probably will not take it personally. It’s kind of like sitting in the car with a black person and suddenly this Kanye song is coming: then you’re not singing certain lines, are you? Of course, you can sing the rest. He and so much more of Eezy are finally part of our culture.

Ask Encouraging Questions and Listen

This is an incredibly valuable piece of advice for life. I learned it from my work as an escort, because the clients always bring their problems to the sex workers. We often joke that we are actually naked therapists. Because our time is literally precious and of course other things are expected of us, the clients start their stories mostly in the middle, or the emotional center. I then have to try, without knowing the background or any context, to respond as cautiously as possible and not to run into a faux pas. So, I just stop and let the customers talk. Over time, they feel better and you slowly understand what the hell is about.

When a sex worker arrives at something that you do not directly understand or have never dealt with, it may be hard to respond appropriately. Is she currently deeply hurt? Does she even talk about a rape? Is she just annoyed? If you’re not really smart, just try one, “And what happens then?” Alternatively, you can simply nod affirmatively, and eventually you’ll know where you are, and your interlocutor’s brain will slowly change back to others Thoughts are coming, and you know what’s best, she will not feel she’s opened up to you, and that’s why she was nuts, so it was she who had to calm you down.

I’m Satisfied with My Decision

So, if you do not want your esteemed offspring ever to know what I’m talking about, I can only advise you to find a good accountant and start saving. So banal and so simple is that.

I do not want to claim that what is said applies to everyone. I am aware that I am a very privileged sex worker: I use the term sex worker, have a love/hate relationship with higher education and like to discuss the stigma of my profession with a delicious porcini mushroom omelet. My experiences are certainly not representative of all, but I would say that certain rules always apply. Respect other people’s choices, make as few assumptions as possible, and treat each person with a minimum of respect, no matter what the circumstances.

I do not claim that I am the whore with the golden heart, but I would like to be treated as such.